Published April 19, 2009
Black as the darkest night,
Frightened fools run in fright.
While I laugh in the face of murder.
Blood runs down my face.
It will finally end this way.
We've been waiting,
so very very long.
And you hear the bullet from the gun,
the knife that stabs when I come undone.
The screams that never reached the right ears.
The face that appears in my dreams,
haunting me while demons shriek.
Flashing lights and paramedics,
I just simply can't be fixed,
So I'll smile, just to show I'm me.
I will never be changed,
And just because I'm not tame,
doesn't mean you have to try to tame me.
And you hear the bullet from the gun,
the knife that stabs when I come undone.
The screams that never reached the right ears.
The face that appears in my dreams,
haunting me while demons shriek.
You're left all alone.
You feel stone cold.
There's only one thing you want to know...
Are you ever really home?
Should I live or should I die?
Can I sleep, or can I cry?
Is it possible for me to breath?
My gun is on it's last rotation,
One last bullet for the nation.
One last little scream escapes my lips.
And you hear the bullet from the gun,
the knife that stabs when I come undone.
The screams that never reached the right ears.
The face that appears in my dreams,
haunting me while demons shriek.
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139,517 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
I really, really liked this.
The rhyming was good, not too overdone and it didn't sound like you were really stretching for rhymes.
I didn't read the original but based on what lordgluxman said, it sounds like you really put his advice into words.
I thought the subject was good and you wrote about it really well.
The only thing it think you can work on is rhythm. It was hard for me at last to really feel the rhythm and get the feeling of the song in that way.
Other than that though it was awesome, I'm giving you a gold star!
-Carly
OK i added more...I think it's pretty decent now, don't you?
You can describe it more, describe harder the emotions, and you can in one moment of the song even change the rhythm.
Ok, so I kind of lengthened it up...but I'm stuck. Im not really sure how to write lyrics, so i need a lot of help. =]
This is really great. ^_^ Emotions are portrayed, and you get what the song is trying to say without music. ^_^ But it's short
I agree if you can make it longer that would be really awesome. ^_^
That was very good! I am really happy to see you in this forum (:
But I think you don't need to write if something is chorus or not because we can figure it out. I also think it was too short, It is sad that you ended it to fast just like that because I was really interested in the song. But then you just stopped it. Try to make it longer next time. Anyways I liked it! Thumbs up!